A Piece of Me

01:54 pm

I've just realized something as I'm entering into my fourth hour of alone time on this Wednesday afternoon. I don't like being alone at school. From dragging Tom to the bookstore, to walking to and from class with whoever is leaving my dorm, I just don't like being alone. It started last year, when Cara and I were both constantly out of the room, and I would love the nights when I would open the door and she'd be already home. This is the second day of school, and the first time I've spent an extended period alone. Everyone still has classes, but I get done on Wednesdays usually at one, today at noon, so I've been here, alone, for a long time. I've read my honors reading for tomorrow. Determined that I needed to go to the library later on tonight (when someone's home to go with me). Finished a chapter of Hey Nostradamus!, which I started on the plane. Taken off my long johns. Yes, I wear long johns. Taken a nap... I'm just trying to waste time until someone opens the door and disturbs the air on the other side of the room. I think this desperate need for company began this summer, when I couldn't be alone or else I thought too much. I reclaimed a lot of my solitude at the end of this winter break when I remembered that I actually love reading, and that history books and philosophy books are awesome, but not what you'd call "fun" to read. But that's at home. That's where I can crawl into my bed alone in my room and just READ. Here, I see evidence of other people, who aren't around and are doing exciting things like learning or experimenting or singing. I'm... doing homework? Lame. I wish I were one of those people that if they were bored they'd just go work out. But I'm not. It's cold, and it's kind of a walk to the gym. Maybe I'll pick up more hours at work for my lonely Wednesdays.

10:42 pm

Tonight's probably the least indicative evening of my semester so far, and yet I'm strangely moved to update. I'm doing well, classes are going tolerably, and for the most part I enjoy them. I am pretty much in love with BC and Boston and my extracurriculars (which, by the way, take up more time than ROTC, but are far more pleasing), so the reason for my... mood, if you will, is (almost) unknown to me. Even late nite with Tom couldn't shake it, and I'm pretty easy to cheer up.

Anyway, I guess I'm meant to register for classes soon. I have NO idea what I want to do, and it's really getting down to the wire. I'm so frustrated with BC for not giving me credit for Semester at Sea, and I keep forgetting to incorporate a semester off when thinking about my options for majors and minors. I've also always been surrounded by over-achievers, so it's hard to say I'll only have one major. Especially history, something so soft compared to my biochem roommate. Ah well.

I was talking to Tom tonight about his tendency to take a side and staunchly defend it, versus my admittance that I don't know enough about any particular subject to really make a concrete decision. I proposed this comparison, but had to amend it to include my unshakable faith in human nature - every man and woman is basically good. We didn't have time to flesh my sentiments out, but given his Catholic background, I have a feeling he disagreed. Not to mention the fact that it's Tom, and he's just generally combative, and I'm easy prey. This sounds really angry; usually his dissent is highly endearing. But not tonight.

Again, not the ideal night to be updating a website I haven't written on in months. Maybe when I have more time, or a more amiable disposition, I'll write. But basically, life's really treating me well, and I'm really happy... I'm just in a mood.

Goodnight, back to reading.
Always,
J

01:13 pm

It was a year ago I was terrified of leaving. ROTC, school, leaving home and the people I loved. And now I'm back to that same knot in my stomach. This summer threw me a lot of curve balls, but I flatter myself in saying I managed a pretty kickass time despite all of it. I got to go camping, plan random trips to Seattle (!), go to the beach, get really dirty ("Jacs, we took a bit out of your last paycheck to cover the paint you managed to cover yourself with"), and become as enamored with Portland as ever.

I guess I'm not scared. I'm excited, more than most people, I think. I had a rather morbid thought just now: this is like dying. You get your affairs in order (like returning books you borrowed, or that DVD from Blockbuster that they keep threatening to charge you for), forgive trespasses, and hope you're forgiven yours. It's all very final, this moving back thing.

My rat had surgery the other day. Forgive the abrupt change in topic, he just crawled across my lap with a bright blue jacket on. For those of you who've seen him (which will probably be about... none of you), he had a tumor the size of himself growing on his side. Now that he's half his previous proportions (and back to how he should be), he's vivacious, and stunning in his new fashions (we have to keep a coat over his stitches).

The summer's ending well, and on that note I have to go say more goodbyes. Good luck everyone, with your year! Don't go too crazy, and keep in touch :)

Love,
j

12:12 am

I had an entry completed, but I just couldn't seem to convey what I wanted to say adequately, even after extensive typing.  

Rephrasing many useless paragraphs into a simple statement: I've found an appreciation for, and a new faith for love.  Love of friends, family, home. 

It's like... when you're trying to get something out of the mud, you push it deeper into the ground.  That makes no sense, but I've discovered a safety net I've never known existed, nor have ever wanted to use, and it's deeper and stronger than I'd ever imagined.  It gives fortitude even when unasked for, but it knows when you need that help, especially when you don't know it yourself.

Some call it religion.  I don't know what I call it yet, but I know where it comes from.






Did anyone see the sunset?  Or the lightning after?  At least I think it was lightning (it was too big to be fireworks)... anyway, at least the sunset was the best fireworks show I've seen.  Happy fourth.

05:01 pm - I wouldn't read this

I lost a lot of myself this past school year. I was thinking about that today.

I used to lose myself in a book all day every day over the summers in middle school, and early high school. Nothing mind-blowing, trust me; we're talking trashy fantasy. All the same, I read. I learned through reading those books... Not cocktail knowledge, but I learned how to speak more eloquently, more fluidly, and believe it or not, I used to write well, too.

The summers after my junior and senior years (and at the rate I'm going, freshman year), reading took a huge back seat. Hanging out with friends became infinitely more appealing than cracking the spine of a new book just to show I'd read it. I guess that's alright, too... Social skills are equally important as writing and reading. I didn't really miss reading for fun until this past school year. I had grand plans to read all summer, to better myself before going back to Boston to tackle a new, and more rigorous, course load.

Art too, I've lost touch with. I used to paint and draw, anything from flowers, animals, characters, anything. I drew for my cousin a lot, though I don't think I ever gave him the pictures, haha. I used to have things that I could do on my own.  

School turned me into a complete social creature.  If I'm not with someone, talking to someone, hearing people speak, noise, I go crazy.  Sitting in a house with the lights mostly out, my parents asleep, and the neighborhood silent, it's one of the worst feelings in the world for me.  No longer can I sit and read until dawn, then wake up a few hours later, only to pick up the same book.  I can't work tirelessly on a painting until it's done (though I'm giving you the impression I did that a lot.  I didn't, and certainly not well.  But occasionally).  It's difficult for me to be on my own now, and the fact that I've had to do nothing by way of working for the past month has made that fact all the more obvious.

I'm going stir-crazy,

I hate waking up because I know I have nothing to accomplish.  Maybe I'll clean the house, maybe try and read, work a little on a project.  Nap.  Drive around looking for jobs.  But nothing.  I've accomplished nothing, and it's sad to say, I've really accomplished nothing this whole year.

I have no medical internships.

I don't work for big-name technology companies.

I'm not vice-president of my class.

I don't even have a retail job.  Anything that looks promising falls through.

In Summary:

I'm feeling pretty goddamn worthless :-)

And now I feel like a whiny-baby too.

It'll help when the sun comes out.

Current Mood: just dandy

10:37 pm

I'm sitting home alone tonight, and I have to admit: I'm legitimately afraid of the dark. I look over my shoulder at shadowed areas. I turn on lights until I leave a room. I have to close every door behind me. It doesn't help that my boyfriend, who's supposed to be supportive, and STOP when I ask him, tells me a werewolf is on the prowl. Big deal right? I'm also legitimately afraid of werewolves. Scratch that. I'm terrified of them.

So what if they don't exist? I have a very active imagination, and I've never been too afraid to embellish on the creaking of the house, and the shapes of the trees outside my window.

I.
Jacqueline Paige Smyth.



Am afraid of the dark. I never got over it, and I won't pretend that I did.



So obviously, I'm back home for the summer. Anyone who reads these things anymore already knows that. However, it never hurts to remind people of it, especially since I'm still waiting for all my friends to return home.

I've occupied my time with the job search, and I have two interviews tomorrow, so we'll see how those go. Other than that, I haven't been up to much. Getting ready to go to the Sasquatch festival, which WILL be amazing, holy God. Um... seeing people at home, like Allison, Sarah, and today Hari came over.

Happy Birthday Aaron the jerk face.

Who needs to get more sleep.

I've been sleeping a lot since I've gotten home. Like, no less than nine hours a night. And it's not intentional, it's just... me sleeping! I NEVER sleep that much! And now I do it every night. My dad calls it recharging my batteries... I guess, but I still feel like a bum.


Any suggestions for summer reading?

Hey. Happy birthday.

05:50 pm

My last day in Boston for a while... and it's grey and cloudy. And misty. Just like Portland should be, but isn't.


I was so stressed today, my arms got numb and I literally thought I was going to panic. It was terrible. But tests are done with, packing's over, and I still have to figure out a way they'll let me on the plane with three carry-ons.




I had to sell some books back too, because I couldn't bring them home... Aristophanes, you were worth so much more to me than $3.50. Alas, you didn't fit.


I have a headache. And it's time for dinner and goodbyes :(

Current Mood: pooped

10:44 am

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.
The corollary of this theory is that---since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"




Thanks Grace!

PS- Check out prangstgrup.com

01:10 pm - 10 Things I Hate About You

10. The fact that you put more ice in the cups than the actual drink.
9. Children are allowed to run up and down the aisle while I get asked to sit after standing for five minutes.
8. The first class passengers got less room than I did on my last flight... I had the whole row, and first class was packed, haha.
7. You raised the price of the snack boxes by a dollar without adding any food... don't think I didn't notice.
6. I got told to use the other bathroom all the way in the back of the plane even though I was ten feet from the first class bathroom.
5. You don't serve snacks anymore. The fucking PACKAGING cost more than the food that went in it, so gimme my peanuts!
4. I had my shower stuff in my carry-on so it wouldn't explode on my clothes. I hate that despite this, my perfume spilled all over my toothbrush, and now I have a metalic floral taste in my mouth.
3. I hate the fact that I still have to fly you home for summer.
2. You lost my luggage, in spite of the fact that the plane was half-full. This was my almost number-one thing I hate about you.
1. Despite all this, it's still amazing to me watching the stars as we fly over the clouds. As we were landing at Logan, there was fog on the ground, and as we got lower, the lights of the city flickered in and out of the darkness as the plane was slowly enveloped by rain and mist. The feeling of touching down, and being able to say "I'm finally home, boy that was a long day", makes it just a little bit better.




But just a little.

12:04 pm

"It is a very exciting time of year for Boston College with our men’s hockey team in the national “frozen four” tournament. We hope to see our student-athletes rewarded for all of their hard work by bringing home another national championship to Boston College.

We request that all of our student fans watch Saturday’s final game and celebrate our success with class and dignity. Please do not engage in, or encourage, substance abuse and/or destructive behavior on or off-campus. The Boston College Police, as well as the Boston Police, will be on special assignment during and after this game; and they are prepared to make arrests for any illegal and destructive behavior.

We have been very impressed over the past few years with how well behaved BC students have been after huge Boston College victories, as well as Red Sox World Series and Patriots Super Bowl victories; and we are confident that we will have no serious problems again this year.

Thank you all for your cooperation and your support of our fine student-athletes. "


We have a shot at the national championship? Missed that memo.

Though now they sent out an email against celebrating too hard, they jinxed it and we're gonna lose, and people will drown their sorrows even harder. Nice.


Yay BC!

03:04 pm

It's fucking beautiful outside.

Current Mood: *sigh*

11:45 pm

Hey so, I work at Borders cafe. If I work there over the summer, I expect visitors. Guess what? I'm a hot cafe girl. So buy things from me. And sign up for a Borders Rewards card when I ask you to.

Love,
J

04:53 am

I'm back from my trip, it's 5 am Saturday morning, and I guess I'm jetlagged. I'm mad at myself for passing out and missing the party for chorale last night... I always miss the parties, and that's probably why I have so few friends IN chorale, though the trip really helped with making new ones.

The trip was pretty cool, though a lot of parts were pretty unfulfilling. It was disappointing to watch the entire chorus get hammered every night and make fools of themselves. Cara and I joined them nearly every night, and nearly every night we were sober, so we were thoroughly aware of how ridiculous everyone was being. It was nice to order a beer with dinner, or hot wine with dessert, but why experience the "night life" of Vienna if you can't remember it? Dunno.

Anyway, overall I liked the trip. It could be because my sleep scedule's off, or something, but I'm feeling kinda down this morning. Rather unfulfilled in general. Classes start Monday and I haven't done any of my work. I missed Boston, but the best part (my friends) is absent. I didn't go home for spring break, and I'm still convincing myself it was cool going to Europe. Now that I'm back home I have to start running again, and I just don't wanna, haha. And I'm back on cafeteria food.

This last one's a biggie. If you know me, I LOVE food. Deeply. And to go to another country and just eat good food like Weinerschnitzel and sausages and Italian food (even though we weren't in Italy :) )is like heaven. And to come back to BC and find out that the cafeteria is serving cold sandwiches only until 3 each day is pretty depressing.

I think I'm just running on empty with a lot of things. I would have liked to go home. The Europe trip was great, and given the choice again, I'd go, but it wasn't restful. And these last two days will be really packed with homework, so no rest there either.

All in all: good trip, I miss home, I miss good food already, and I'm tired. And 33 days till I come home... though it feels like forever.

Current Mood: unsatisfied

06:20 pm - I hate Sundays

This is what I think of silly holidays that everyone except BC kids get off:


 


Damn you all.

01:56 pm

When you dream



What do you dream about?

12:45 pm

Snow swirls around my face, trying desperately to get through the glass as I peer out my dorm window. Blinds that have so often been pulled closed are wide open to the flurry of powder outside, allowing an eerie grey light into the room. The dingy glow of my Target lamps and overhead light is faded against the reflection of the blizzard outside. Even as I watch, spectators of the storm gaze eagerly out of their windows across from my dorm.

It doesn't look too windy, until snow is blown in great clouds from the rooftops like dry sand. Following individual flecks of ice as they glide down to earth, my eyes are deceived into believing the storm is a slight snowfall until the wind whips idle flakes into a flurry. The wind gusts into tiny crevices, making them howl into the early afternoon. We still have at least four hours of heavy snowfall, and light dusting until tonight.

I continually walk downstairs to open the dorm door to ensure we don't get trapped. I, like few of my compatriots at Boston College, have never been in a blizzard of any kind, large or small, 1995 or 2006, and so I'm perhaps more paranoid than most. Stocked with only a few water bottles, chocolate bars, and a tuna fish sandwich, I am hardly ready for any siege the snow might lay to Medeiros. What's the joke? Always have bread, milk, and toilet paper? It's looking like I may stay in the dorm for quite some time.

Ten to fifteen inches are meant to fall between this morning and the early hours of February 13. It's hard to believe we're nearly halfway through February. I have felt every day of it, long and short, and have missed home increasingly as days go by. However, looking back, the time has really gone by.

The snowflakes were big and sticky this morning, but are now powdery and small. That means it's getting colder. I suppose it has to get worse before it gets better. A lot of things are like that... like missing someone. Some of the snow I don't think ever reaches the ground. The wind picks them up and never lets them rest, even after miles of buffeting torrents... what if they just melt in the sky? Is that possible, that the wind carries them to a climate they can no longer survive? I bet they just give up. It must be tiring going from the clouds to the ground, only to be in sight of your goal, and be picked up again by the vicious wind. They stop wanting to be snow, and instead turn to water out of sheer exhaustion. I think that's reasonable. The wind asks too much of them anyway.

It's strangely calming to watch something else be pulled in all directions. And yet the wind agitates me. Is it crazy that I want to tell it to leave the snow alone?

Current Mood: distracted

06:28 pm

I suppose this is as good a time as any to update... I'm on BDO again (which, to those of you who asked over the break, stands for Battalion Duty Officer... aka I'm sitting here alone standing watch over the unit). It's very boring.


Anyway, what's going on with my life? Nothing much, really. Keeping busy. I went to OAR on Wednesday, which was freaking awesome. It also cost me as much as the Coldplay concert, but I'm ignoring the nagging voice inside my head saying I won't have money for food in Prague and Vienna. Which is coming up pretty soon... first full week in March.


Farzeen and Shazrat come in, what, two weeks? I'm so excited! I can't believe I'll finally have visitors! Plus, it's two of my favorite people evar, which makes it 100 million times better. Though I think at this point, I'd be happy if even Molly Sultany or Emily Johnson came to visit.


Then, what else? April will be boring, with everything winding down, and May will be a whirlwind with finals, ROTC finishing, etc. I dunno. I really think this year has been so good to me so far. I love where I am, contrary to my claims before leaving home this winter break. I love what I do, despite my whining and waking up at ungodly hours, wearing of the uniform, the untidy tidy hair (which I get told off for all the time. In fact, I'd get in trouble right now if anyone important were here), the rules and regulations, blah blah blah. I think I like my ROTC activities better than even my regular BC ones... choir I hate because 1) it's too freaking boring, and 2) all we sing is Latin God music. I hate Latin God music. Bienvenue a Jesuit University.

Oh man, speaking of French, I gotta sign up for the SAT II's. I'll do that right now.


Hope you all are having a better Friday night than I am... or at least more exciting, since I really have nothing to complain about.

J

Current Mood: bored

12:55 pm

I finally got all my books needed for this semester.

27 books for a grand total of... $325.

I don't really know how that rates on the book scale. How'd everyone else make out?

09:40 pm

Can I just... just... gah. I'm making a list to show myself how much I've actually gotten myself in to. And posting it publicly to get feedback like, you stupid asshole, what are you thinking?


1. ROTC
a. class two mornings a week, and a lab one afternoon
b. PT three times a week
c. community service (hopefully I can use Learning to Serve as credit for this too... fingers crossed)
d. public affairs
2. Chorale (kind of a joke, but it still takes up two evenings a week)
3. Honors. Not REALLY a big deal, but I mean. Kind of.
4. Culture of Athenian Freaking Democracy. Hardcore. Don't get me started.
5. Learning to Serve: a volunteer organization. I feed homeless people every Sunday. Ready, go.
6. Helping out with a student government campaign for President and VP.

I think that's it. Plus all the little things that WILL come up and I WILL have to do. Slash, that I'll be stupid enough to volunteer for.

Let's see. How can I rationalize this? Honors is just another class, as is Athenian Democracy. They don't count. ROTC community service and LTS will hopefully count as the same thing. Cross those off the list. Public affairs was just a stupid move on my part, as was the student government thing. Oh well. So what's left? Chorale. Huh. Can't quit cause of the Europe trip. I guess I'm left with ROTC. If I crossed that off of my list for good, all my troubles would probably vanish. What would I do instead? Sleep. Eat. Breathe. I dunno. Stuff like that. It'd be very boring. And Magana already said he'd never speak to me again if I dropped. SOOOOOO we shall see.

I think that's it. I like how I updated after realizing how little sleep I'm likely to get tonight. Huzzah! Viva la revolution!

10:13 am

That was this time yesterday. 

This is right now:

The weather here is crazy!  I took the picture yesterday because it was beautiful and warm, and yet today it was like, FOOM!  Snow.  I had NS today, and I stepped out at 6:20 and lo and behold, there was snow on the ground!  And it's only getting worse.  Bummer that today is a busy day otherwise I would hole up and stay warm... but the snow's awesome, and it's not even that cold really :)

I don't envy Portland her weather.  I envy California hers, haha.

Current Mood: chipper